The Search

I’ve spent the past four years of my life under a spell.
It’s been a spell of the exoticism of war. That maybe what I’ve been looking
for to complete my life could be found in Afghanistan or Iraq. I’ve given up on
home, my family, the people I love in search of something that doesn’t exist,
something intangible. I’ve destroyed relationships, hurt my wife, and abandoned
my son. I realize that what I was looking for all along was in my own house.
I’ve never really had a family, those who truly love me unconditionally. I’m
adopted and have always taken second place to my adoptive parent’s children and
grandchildren. I accepted a long time ago that that came with the territory.
This is not to say that I don’t love my parents, love what they have done for
me, what they have provided. They have raised me to be what I am today, and for
that I will be eternally grateful. However, I have come to realize that family
is more important that any thing in life. My search is complete; I have found
what I’m looking for. It comes in a small package, a short little red-head that
poops his self. I have found it in a beautiful red-headed lady who was
responsible for that young child. Granted, I had a few minutes involvement in
his creation, but she was the one who carried him for nine months, nourished
his infant body, and endured eighteen hours of labor only to have the end
result be a caesarian. I abandoned them in their time of need. I left when my
son was only a few months old, thinking that my wife could handle it, as she has
the previous deployments. She did handle it, and she handled it very well. The
fact still remains that I abandoned them in their time of need. I realize that
the past four years of my life I have spent searching for that which did not
exist. It has taken me four years, but I realize where my heart is, where I
belong. I owe my wife a very sincere apology for this, and I hope that she can
forgive me. I hope that when I get home, I can become the father and husband I
should have been being for the past four years. This journey will begin very
soon, and I look forward to it. I love my wife and son, and I know I will love
being a husband and father. This time, however, I’m not going to take any
timeouts. Full time, all the time.