Beautiful Oblivion

As I sit in bed, watching my wife sleep, I take a look at my past, my present, and my future. How all of my decisions in life have led me to this point, at 4:26 on Thanksgiving morning, thinking of all the things I am thankful for. I write this with conflicting emotions, as I am glad to be home for the holiday season, as this will be the first Thanksgiving I have been able to spend with my family since 2006, but also, for the past three years, I have known what it has felt like to be in a crowded room with hundreds of people, fellow soldiers, but yet totally feel alone. My heart goes out to those soldiers currently in harm’s way, in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other locals such as Kuwait, Korea, Germany, and anywhere troops may be stationed and unable to make it home for the holidays. However, I digress from the original intent of this post. I see my wife sleeping, glowing in the majestic beauty of the last few days of her pregnancy, knowing that by next Saturday I will be a father, my life forever altered. I think of how our choices have led up to this point, the good ones as well as the bad. I can say with great pride that I regret very few choices that I have made in my life; this unplanned pregnancy is one I know I will never regret. I fear that we are not ready for this child, that we are not financially secure enough, mature enough, old enough, our house not baby proofed enough. But I know that in a week none of that will matter, because my world will forever change with the simple, primal sound of my son’s first cries. I know that my life will change from being self-centered, focused on my well being, to being focused entirely on that child. I realize now I am more in love with my wife than ever. Upon reflection, I realize I may have married Melony for all the wrong reasons, but that we stick together for the right one: love. I realize that most of the choices I have made in the past few years have been about me, about what I want, everyone else’s opinions be damned. I extended in Kuwait not for my wife and my own financial well being, I did it because I wanted to. All of the motives were entirely self-centered. I want to apologize to my wife, to ask her for her forgiveness, but I can’t. I see myself repeating the cycle, volunteering to go to Afghanistan again next year. I pray that she understands my choices, can forgive me for them. I love her with all my heart and try to do right by her as much as I am capable of. I am not sure what my intent of this post was, nor am I entirely sure that I achieved what I wanted. Life is forever changing and will be drastically altered for myself in a week. I know that I will be back on here then, gushing over my newborn son. Until then, I wish you all the best. Happy Thanksgiving.